Understanding So'ham

Motivation

So'ham is a great, widely-used mantra in Hindu spirituality, and beyond. Properly understood, it richly rewards focussed practice.

(So' is what //sah// (that) becomes before //aham/ (I) according to the "sandhi" rules of Sanskrit grammar. //aham// is pronounced as [h∧m].)

Second Teacher taught So'ham as the Natural Mantra, which occurs without your doing anything, already there in the sound of your breath.

Kabir, the author of much of the Sikh scriptures, said of so'ham:

सोऽ	हँ	अजप	जाप्	छूते	पुञ्य	ॵर्	पाप्
So'	ham	ajapa	jaap	chhuute	punya	aur	paap
that	I (am)	not-repeated	cause-to-repeat	destroys	merit	and	sin
"I am That",		the mantra which repeats itself,		destroys	[the bondage of] moral judgement
					(Devanagari reference here)

Surprise

Second Teacher, in a later verse of his book of aphorisms, Mukteshwari, says:

'So' on the out breath, 'ham' on the in breath. Reverse it: 'ham' on the out breath, 'so' on the in breath.

I was shocked to read this instruction: Reverse it!

I once heard a second-hand story from other devotees that in the 1970's some people had actually left my yoga tradition, rejecting its teacher as from their perspective incompetent because they had heard him teach So'ham starting on the out-, and So'ham starting on the in-, breath. I also have heard it taught in both ways, and read it being explained in both ways. Which naturally leaves a question in the mind, that was finally resolved when I recently read this verse. About time! (Talk about being comfortable with ambiguity!)

Things suddenly became clear in my mind: One way to follow this instruction is to do this reversal not just eventually some time in your life, or carelessly, or when the teacher says to switch or to do it differently, but once every breath cycle. That would make 'sah' and 'ham' each repeat twice per breath cycle.

Is this madness? I think not.

Canonical Teaching

In May 1982 in the Taj Hotel in Mumbai, then Bombay, at the Intensive (myself present among many, including Sharad CS, YouTube id @sharadcs6565),

Second Teacher taught the bhastrika or bellows method of pranayama. Ten, was it? Or a dozen? I think it was fifteen: Bellows breaths of the belly, in and out, fast and noisy, full-force, don't be bashful. Fast and forceful, through the nose. Then, swap to slow breathing, one or two or two pairs of in and out breaths, very slowly, very deep, so slowly. You may become a bit light headed, so use common sense and self-regulate! Go so slowly that the movement goes by itself, rather than by your moving it, or having the sense that you are moving it or controlling it.

Then he taught the So'ham mantra: 'sah' means 'that' in Sanskrit, while 'aham' means 'I'. (Sanskrit sandhi rules, which were explicitly documented by Panini himself 2500 years ago, convert sah+aham to so'ham. I don't know why aham+sah becomes hamsa, but that is the #2 canonical form of this mantra.)

hamsa: I am That.

Second Teacher said, there is a pause between the breaths, at twelve fingers in, the inner "khumbhaka", and at twelve fingers out, the outer khumbhaka.

"dva-das-anta" means "two-ten-end" and is the twelve-fingers endpoint; there is an inner dvadasanta and an outer dvadasanta, and another name for them is "the heart". The "khumbhaka" refers to the pause or retention-of-breath, between the breaths, which may be instantaneous, or may expand to something longer.

He said something which I remember like this: Thoughts dissolve slightly, and the divinity becomes more visible, during khumbhaka.

He said, concentrate there, watch what happens there, don't force the pause, allow it to occur naturally, but it will eventually expand, look for the expansion of the pause, there.

What I got from it, then, was that the inner and outer pauses are like the space of God (if you consider God to be a direct experience achieveable during meditation); and that thoughts, being borne along on the wash of the breath, are not so tightly grasped and held onto, across that mysterious pause. (And I can report that in my experience that is true, thoughts do slip from my grip more easily at the moment of this pause.)

"Reverse it" how? With four phases per breath cycle.

What I get from it, today, is that the breath is not two phases, inbound, and outbound, but four phases, like a diamond, inbound, in-paused, outbound, and out-paused, and each of them has a 'sah' or an 'aham'. Inbound is 'ham', in-paused is 'sah', outbound is again 'sah', out-paused is again 'ham'.

This struck me so deeply as insightful and right, perhaps because I am so very confused by the nearly-bleached meaning of so'ham.

What might the pronoun 'that' refer to, when there is no shared universe of reference? What is 'I' when even Ramana Maharshi says, contemplate the question, What am I? -- meaning, at least to begin with, that no-one really knows, at least not until maybe much later, and certainly I don't. So however simple the ultimate answers may be, to me, an ignorant seeker, these are mysteries: What is "That"? What am "I"?

But now the four-phase breath cycle alternates flow and pause, with so-ham-ham-so (it cycles and keeps going, so the starting point, alignment, and the order becomes immaterial, particularly as meanings begin to merge, which they tend to, and will, do). This cycle of four provides an internal and directly-given answer to the question of the meanings of 'so' and 'ham'.

	in-pause	out-flow	out-pause	in-flow	repeat...
pauses imperceptible[1]		so-		ham#
		sah#		ham-
pauses imperceptible[2]		ham-		sa#
		ham#		so-
pauses perceptible[1]	ham-	sa#	so-	ham
pauses perceptible[2]	sa#	so-	ham#	ham

Table 1. Acceptable alignments of /sah-aham/ to the Four Phases of the Breath Cycle.
(- indicates word boundary; # indicates sentence boundary.)

Please forgive a touch of pedantry; a linguist wants to be clear! Let me to distinguish word boundary (marked with -) from sentence boundary (marked with #), and let me specify underlying forms using //..// double slashes, so we can specify what we are talking about. I mean, yes, "so'ham" is a mystical phrase, with infinite meanings, actually, sure, but it's also a Sentence with exactly two Words, constructed in exactly two Word-Orderings, and aligned in finitely few Alignments to the four Phases of Breathing. A certain infinity does exist, but it is not at the level of grammar and alignment, but of meaning, and of your experience in repeating it. We'll get there! But first let me be clear enough that I could actually, unambiguously, understand myself when I'm describing doing it in one particular way versus another. Then you can do what you want. Okay?

Now, then: #so-ham#so-ham#so-ham# is one way of repeating so'ham, that is, as #so-ham#; a sentence comprised by //sah// followed by //aham// (converted from underlying form to surface form by Sanskrit sandhi). Another is #ham-sa#ham-sa#ham-sa#, that is, as #ham-sa#, a sentence comprised of //aham// followed by //sah//.

Method

(1) Starting more or less arbitrarily in Table 1, in following the "pauses perceptible [2]" alignment row, 3rd column under "out-pause", let's count it as syllable (1), we have 'ham' (second syllable of so'ham) followed by sentence boundary '#'. This paused-breath moment can directly be experienced as a moment of letting-go, or merging, during the out-pause. That is what you get to experience directly, and that is to be understood as the concrete definition, the actual exemplification of what is meant by 'I': the answer to Ramana's great question, What am I? The 'I' is that letting go of thought and identification, itself, occurring in (1), and which is, as we may learn by the grace of some grace-bestowing power, the Self. That is the essential teaching of the True Guru. Indeed great wild freedom exists there inside that momentary experience and its naturally-associated knowledge or realization, which is at a certain level emotionally disinhibitory.

To me, the goal of spiritual practice is to discover, or learn according to the teaching and by the grace of the true (inner or outer) Guru, that that great wild freedom is indeed what you yourself are, and to see that (and yourself) consistently in all things. (Cf. Merger.) It takes the wise encouragement of another to even imagine, and then to believe this is possible, and then to know it. But so it is, possible and more than possible, and may you allow yourself to be encouraged. You'll find it is truly the least-effort state, to know You are That.

Then (2) after the 'ham' in paused out-breath comes a second 'ham', which is the first syllable of 'hamsa', and which occurs now in the in-flowing breath, a.k.a. the prana. The word's sound, here in this phase, spoken or heard by the mantra repeater, 'ham', now holds close, is concatenated with. the word's meaning, which was experienced concretely a moment before in the paused out-breath, the liberated consciousness that is the Self. The two 'ham''s could also together be understood as Answer followed by Question: 'I' is the experience of the out-pause; what is this 'I'?

Next syllable (3) (wrapping around to the first column, still in the alignment represented in the bottom row) we encounter the inner khumbhaka or pause, which is the sa[h]# of 'hamsa' (thus followed by the sentence boundary #) and also the first of two adjacent 'sah''s in the cycle, and it is also its meaning in the form of its direct exemplification. The divine That is visible in the release of thought (and emotional constraint) within the pause between inbreath and outbreath, That is the Goal, Shiva, Om, God, call it your own most emotionally meaningful name, it is That. And with the release occurring there, you experience something, approach it with openness, desire, systematic determination, clarity, you do, you will experience That. In the so'ham mantra, it is called 'sah', or That. And now you know what "That" means, because you have the direct experience of that thought-release moment. In that pause of release is the beginnings of, the potential for, or eventually the real experience of, a fully-disinhibitory emotional space of bliss, serenity, and transcendence. Indeed it is worthy of being named with names evoking divinity, it erases worldly suffering, and gives you the direct experience of bliss. Given sufficient practice and subtle attention.

Finally (4) so'ham again begins, with the 'so' of the Sanskrit sandhi adjusted form //sah+aham// → [soh∧m], listened for and hearable with not much imagination in the natural sound of the out-flowing breath. This [so] is spoken perhaps more explicitly by the mantra repeater who is here experiencing the word 'sah' with its phonetic form more explicitly audible. Having encountered the experience of a divine emotional release in the preceding phase and having that experience therefore available as the very definition of the 'sah' which one is now saying during and with the out-flowing breath, 'sah' becomes the meaningful naming, the verbal expression of one's direct knowledge of the divine. That's pretty sweet.

If you do so'ham as your mantra, you might try this method.

Commentary

Some will disagree but I consider this as canonical. At the least, it clarifies the confusion that I experienced, sitting at Second Teacher's feet as he explained this, because I couldn't reconcile that the 'so' and 'ham' were on the out and in breaths, but that we should try to focus on the pauses between the breaths. (Because, if I'm focussing on the out and in breaths and their sounds as [so] and [h∧m], then I have a hard time focussing on the pausing between the breaths, because my mind is busy with mantra repetition rather than pause observation, which seem like different mental activities, to me.) Understood this way, my confusion is resolved. I'm sorry it took so long!

To achieve the Goal, diligent, protracted, motivated, long-term practice is needed. Emphasis on 'motivated'.

Please don't take 40 years like me, you can do it in a few weeks if you start small but continue to cultivate an increasing and ultimately great hunger for this and you really focus and continue to concentrate, and are willing to allow yourself to become subtler and subtler as you swing from effort to ease to effort again. The steps are upward, naturally. Keep coming back. It will (practice itself will) teach you. Your desire for liberation and realization itself, if you allow your hunger to drive your attention along this path of effectively insight-developing effort, will itself bring increasing layers of wisdom.

Here are the steps up on the path of practice, for the curious.

The base and also final level of practice is, recognizing that breath is partly voluntary, partly involuntary, to watch rather than do the breath. Don't conduct your process of breathing with the imaginary belief that you with your sense of agency are doing the breathing. Have non-agency of breathing; watch it as it naturally happens without yourself doing it. Do not apply effort to breathing. Instead, become the witness of its natural flow. It seems impossible but I tell you it is possible. (And this is a deep lesson widely generalizeable beyond pranayama practice to your entire life in the world, that you are not the Doer of actions, but the Witness of the flow which carries on by itself. You may have to diligently work to the point of habituation to the constant practice of doing your duty, so that you don't even pause to consider worrying about outcome or self-interest. But with courage and persistency, at some point you can achieve the relationship of free witness to everything that goes on, including in the midst of what you would once have considered great personal effort.) It seems a mystery, Can you do it, without doing it, so to speak? But it's simple: simply watch the natural flow of your breath, without interfering or controlling. This practice of Non-Agency runs along at the same time as each of the other levels of practice.

The first level of practice is so that you can detect this release quality, a certain emotional-perceptual qualia associated with the khumbhaka: the feeling of the letting go of thoughts. Focus there, and notice it. Is it thought that pauses, or self-attribution? Does thinking itself becomes emotionally lighter and less committed, or do the emotional claws by which you hold it to yourself grip a little less tightly? Just allow the flow to be. Watch it carefully, perhaps especially with an emotional-level, or motivation-connected attention, yet without doing anything to control or direct it. Can you feel that there is a release there?

A second level of practice is what is explained here, this experience of the four phase cycle, including both so'ham, and "reverse it". You may become persuaded that 'I' indeed exists in this release, and that 'That' is indeed right there in that release. Words have both sound and meaning. Learn that the 'ham' spoken by the breath's sound on the in-breath *means* the 'ham' experienced within the release of thought during the outer pause. And learn that the 'sah' spoken by the breath's sound on the out-breath *means* the 'sah' experienced within the release of thought during the inner pause. Watch them all and recognise the meanings and the sounds as they happen on their own. Of course without a little khumbhaka at least, you won't experience the pause parts, so give yourself a little time for that. You might need to practice the bhastrika pranayama or bellows breathing for a 10-15 count to hyperoxygenate enough to give yourself the ability to comfortably pause between breaths, for a cycle or two. Bhastrika supports the extension of the pauses; it gives your breathing a natural pause space, so you can have time to really observe and experience it.

The next level of practice is one of intellectual discovery in which you see all these merging, the meanings first, then also the sounds, in that sense of release, that experience of no-thought. Keep watching the sounds and meanings go by; if you must think, then think how each is in a way no more or less than the other, find that the 'I' is the liberated state of your own consciousness, and the 'That' is also the liberated state; that furthermore this is the state without a sense of Doership, this is emotionally uninhibited, the unlimited flow of devotion. In the widely-taught but mysterious Hindu phrase, "sat-chit-ananda", this is the mysterious third part, the ananda, the bliss. You might also learn here the adjacent meanings of the Mahavakyas of the Upanishads, Tat-tvam-asi, and Aham brahmasmi, You are That and I am the Absolute.

The next level of practice is to just watch the flow, experiencing the effortless Oneness of all four phases, and of everything in life. Some of it resonates like the conscious-echoing experience of Self-witnessing, some of it is pure mad joy, some is the Void, spatiality and peacefulness, some of it is the release of the heart to experience an unlimited stream of love. It all comes on its own, naturally, and it is indeed natural liberation which is actually possible in this body in this life. No more doing or trying, you've got this.

So practice, with my blessing and good wishes, and not just mine.

With great respect and love,

Tom

Footnote from a meditation

In meditation the path to sahasrar is to bow to the feet of the guru within Ajna. Then sahasrar opens.

To become established in sahasrar, recognize I am That: That is the state of higher expansive consciousness in sahasrar, and identification with it makes it your home. Even Liz says eating chocolate makes her feel like herself. Here, being in sahasrar is being yourself, is being home.

For many decades I considered the state of sahasrar as a Nothingness, and in a way it is. I thought, to out my awareness above my head is to be unconscious, because there is nothing there. Now I have tried it many times and in meditation through a burning desire for liberation I have gone to that inner orientation and I see that I relieves me of all my sorrows, that being there cleans my whole everything so that only warm golden light and love remains.

Yet the door is not always open, in fact almost never is open: How can I go back to that? When once I do experience it then the identification process is finally a tool in service of sadhana: I identify with that upper stillness, that is like Liz’s chocolate, identifying with that, it becomes home to return to. Emotionally or perhaps at a deep level of inner computation the I am That thought, while in the open sky of consciousness makes it a more central, more accessible, more comfortable, more loved state of inner being, and then with more practice someday perhaps I shall be established in sahasrar.

At least it has become clear that So’ham refers to this, "I am that" is identification with that, identification with sahasrar; and that practice of this will be my intentional sadhana now.

Indeed: Identification as a reasoning or reasoned lemma now trustworthy has an important role in activity selection such as addictive or responsible behavior. Having had an inner experience and having understood that that experience is Me, is like a lock or a ratchet, at least it is harder to think otherwise, and easier to do the things associated with that identity.

"I am the one who doesn’t give a shit so why give a shit now" is the partial reasoning of a badly behaved addict. "I am the one who resides in the golden or featureless sky of consciousness above" is a more useful intuition, or decision, or insight. Later although that place is hard to even perceive after bad dreams and waking up in the morning, this one can trust a little that it is there because I have identified with that space, I have had the thought, that is me, there, and with that opinion once considered or held, I can find my way back to experiencing it much more easily because “I know what I am” conveniently leads me back to the path to getting there.

Therefore I am That is a great mantra and the realization or understanding that it expresses in words is a great realization.