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Darshan:
I was Out (i.e., in a tandra state) during the talking part of today's program, barely-to-intermittently out later during meditation,I recognized and cultivated my desire for the experience of being out, for samadhi to pervade my normal consciousness. Back and forth, out, to the edge of out, and back to normal awareness and re-orienting with "mumukshutva" [the desire for liberation], forth again, and back and forth.
In darshan: the desire to be out during this awareness of this, yes with forehead on the floor and the long stick asana I found the love and power and shaktipat experience of First Teacher coming toward me and pervading me and my experience exactly as and as powerfully and as intently and directionally as I with my desire oriented in devotion towards him, the saint, the True Guru. Did his presence enter me and suffuse my awareness from his photograph? Or from my devotional intention as part of my innate capacity for pervasive love, evoked in the context of satsang, chant, meditation, darshan. More than meeting in the middle, desire meeting love, the forces pass through and empower and strengthen each other. Om Namo Bhagavate ... Om Namo ... Om Why would I ever stop expressing this! Om ..
[I'll clarify the point here: after 35 years of going Out and having the benefit of that soothing pure restfulness when frazzled and burnt by my ego-engaged worldly periods of a day a week a quarter, after consistently finding that tandra state through my tradition's books, programs, and practices and my sincere and faithful engagement with them, finally after so long I noticed that maybe I might make use of my own desire for this oneness to be part of my normal awareness. Remembering my own desire, after coming back from tandra, I returned to tandra. Remembering it, my normal consciousness became suffused with something different. The key, this desire, is the pole star, providing an orientation for consciousness, intention, and re-focussing, after tandra erases all thought and emotional echoes of past actions. Since confusion arises in the disciple doing their sadhana, seeking liberation vaguely or in some long term but without immediacy, then with no direction, no where to go to achieve the goal, having erased even desire, I sit resting only until interest arises and then I return to wander aimlessly through normal worldly life again. But with mumukshutva, with the desire for liberation, the direction is clear, and the return to consciousness is not so much as in the past an opportunity to wander again, but now an opportunity to rest my forehead again at the feet of the true Guru and experience the love and merger in an intent focus in him, that he knows and experiences. Without that desire is 35 years of aimlessness even in the sadhana of a devotee. With that desire is direct immediate experience as deep and pure and encompassing as can be. Therefore cultivate the desire for liberation.]